The Unofficial Taxonomy of Beer

Everything you think you know about beer is wrong.

Hey folks - I’m finishing a long multi-day walk/trek through the North York Moors. It’s been a beautiful, if soggy, walk through pasturelands and fields of heather. And of course plenty of time spent in pubs. There is much to talk about and many pictures to comb through on the hard drives over the next few days. Here’s a peak at the beautiful weather we had:

While I dry off and return to civilization, I thought I’d share something a bit different from the usual content around here. Enjoy!

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The Unofficial Taxonomy of Beer

Perhaps it’s no surprise that I’ve been known to knock back a few pints of beer in my time. I know a good pint can come in many shapes and sizes, from cask ale in an English pub, an unfiltered pilsner straight from the barrel in Pilsen, or ice cold out of a bottle on a beach. But over time, I’ve come to realize that the standard beer taxonomy - ales, lagers, sours, etc. - doesn’t quite capture the ~true essence of beer drinking~™.

There’s more to it than the pedantry of hops, water, or fermentation styles. For most people, drinking a beer can be, and likely is, a ritualistic expression. It’s more emotional than scientific.

So I’ve teamed up with the very talented Em Sauter of Pints and Panels in an attempt to illustrate and describe this unofficial, but superior (?), taxonomy of beer.

The "I Need a Beer" Beer

Sometimes you just need a damn beer. The mind and body are resilient, but at some point, the existential burden of being a human in the world catches up with you. Maybe it’s been a bad day. Or a long day. Or a long year. Simply having this beer is an act of protest, a signal to the world—and to yourself—that you just need a minute, okay?

The Friday Beer

You know exactly what beer this is. After all the cacophony and frivolity of the week, the Friday beer is there to greet you like a warm hug. You’ve been looking forward to this for five days. You can feel it. With each ignored email and awkward Zoom call, the prospect of the Friday beer gets more tantalizing. But more importantly, the Friday beer marks the transition from their time to your time. What does the weekend have in store? Are you setting off on some great adventure to distant lands? Or are you set on being a couch gremlin for the next 48 hours? It doesn’t matter—once the Friday beer has been cracked open, it’s your time.

The Beach Beer

Relief. You need the relief. The sun is sweltering, the sand is hot, and the days are long. You’re sweating. The beer is sweating. The beach beer is a life vest keeping you afloat during the dog days of summer. The only thing that can ruin a beach beer? Speedos.

The Post-Hike Beer

Nothing hits quite like the post-hike beer. You deserve this beer. You just lugged that old sack of bones up a mountain, after all. Your body craves hydration and carbs in liquid form. That first sip of the post-hike beer is life-giving. It’s reward. It’s triumph. And man, does it go straight to your head.

The Nostalgic Beer

This is the beer that lives in your memory. Maybe the first sip of this beer made you feel like an adult. Maybe it’s the first beer you genuinely enjoyed. Or maybe one sip of this beer recalls a time in your life you remember with fondness. It could be any beer, the quality is irrelevant as your senses are busy feeling the warm and fuzzy glow of nostalgia.

The Airport Beer

Second only to the post-hike beer, the airport beer serves unbridled satisfaction. Listen, you’re off the fucking clock. The laptop has been shut for the next week and any remaining dribble in your inbox is officially a problem for future you. You’ve worked damn hard for this beer. You’ve sent some damn good emails lately and made some enviable spreadsheets. You deserve this beer. The only thing that can get in your way is one too many airport beers and a missed flight.

The Local Beer

One truism of life is that each place has its beer(s) of choice, which can come in many shapes and forms. The local beer is definitely not just whatever craft beer the hipsters down the road are drinking. You don’t just go and order a hazy IPA at a beer garden in Munich, do you? Crazy talk. To know the local beer, you need to understand its context - how people eat, how people spend their time, where they drink. Are you in Colorado or Vermont? Maybe whatever the microbreweries are working up. Are you in Lisbon? Try a Sagres. You don’t choose the beer, the beer chooses you.

The Seasonal Beer

You’re not drinking a chocolate stout when you’re sitting lakeside in 100-degree heat, are you? Of course not. And you’re definitely not drinking a shandy sitting next to a roaring fire. This beer is the equivalent of a seasonal wardrobe change in your closet. Like your closet, the palate adapts to the shorter days or the blossoming buds. There’s a rhythmic comfort in this beer, a moment to transition the senses into a new state of being.

The Shared Beer

Of course, the best beer is the one shared with friends, family, or strangers. If wielded properly, the shared beer has tremendous power. You can make a new friend for life. Or reconnect with an old one. The location and type of beer doesn’t even matter. All that’s important is the company, conversation, and clinking of glasses.

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Did I miss a category? Which one is your favorite? I might be a prisoner of the moment, but the best bitter style cask ales I’ve been sipping on in the English countryside for the past week have been hitting as a post-hike beer and a shared beer.

If you’d like to pick up a print of The Unofficial Taxonomy of Beer, head to the Pints and Panels Store. Also, be sure to check out Em’s other work in her store and give her a follow on Instagram - the “Beer and Taylor Swift Songs” and the “Beer and Friends Characters” are personal favorites.

Cheers,

Skylar